Temporary ruts don’t feel temporary.
I am in a rut. A slump. A depressive episode. Whatever you may want to call it.
I woke up today knowing I wouldn’t get anything done. Most days, you have to check in with your brain if it’s willing to co-operate. Today, I didn’t have to ask. I just knew the way my head felt so heavy, like carrying a dozen watermelons on unpadded shoulders.
The last few days have flown by, and I am still playing catch-up with time. I moved back to Delhi, I turned 22, I drank beer mixed with superman energy drink (don’t ask why), my psychiatrist cancelled on me, and my room looks state-of-the-art shitty.
Transitions are tough, and somewhere along the way, I lose sight of all my routines. I stop writing. I stop calling friends. I forget to do my skincare, paying attention in class gets tricky, I leave my dishes in the sink and only eat food that gives my stomach nightmares. Slumps look different for everyone; mine is filled with fatigue-induced naps and a refusal to step out of my room.
The worst part about ruts, however, is their seeming permanence. Although they arrive fleetingly in your life and leave once you’re ready to let them go, none of us ever feel we’ll actually get out. It seems my entire youtube feed is full of “getting out of a slump, here’s how you can too” know-hows, but I can’t get myself to believe any of them.
Lesson: you can’t be productive vicariously.
Watching little people on little screens do their chores might make us feel better, but it won’t untangle the mess in our life.
So I’ve decided to take matters into my own hands. I’ve made to-do lists, I have written in my journal, I have spent big bucks on retail therapy. Has it helped? Not really. But it didn’t hurt either.
Taking out the trash, paying attention in one class, talking to a few people, brushing my teeth — these aren’t the most productive things. But they are something. They’re a step in the right direction.
So next time, when you’re doom scrolling social media and find “tips to get out of a rut,” remember it’s not always the yoga, the green tea, a purple clay mask, or aromatherapy candles. It can be something as small as getting a change of clothes, mopping your floors or eating a meal that makes you happy. It’s the little things. It will always be the little things.
Take care.
